Wednesday, August 31, 2016

before touching the door of September

yang namanya perjalanan hidup, siapa yang pernah menyangka
siapa pula yang akan tahu
tentang masa depan
yang misteri
sebagian hanya menebak
entah unsur darimana
apakah akan menjadi nyata
ataukah sekadar celoteh

3 tahun sudah berlalu
masih di tempat yang sama
hanya pertemuan yang berbeda

hingga hari ini masih tak dapat memahami
arti pertemuan
yang hampir setahun ini
hikmah dan hikmah
kata demi kata
yang kian menjadi pertanyaan besar
tertoreh di hati ini

tak dapat kumengerti
apalagi menerima

pertemuan dengannya
hingga saat ini bagaikan kertas yang menempel di dinding
bukan lagi selotip
bagaikan lem tembak di dinding begitu kuat
tak ada yang dapat menentukan kapan kertas pertanyaan yang ada sebuah nama disana akan dilepas
atau terlepas

hingga saat ini pun masih terngiang

"do you know Mr. S?"
"he's here"

her sound just like an echo in my ears

he's here
he's here
he's here

"how could I dont know?"
I was shocked, I just wrote in my notes, and I've counted how many times I've met him
and I left one, number 7th
I always telling myself "God will let me know when he's here"
it's a miracle, she never told me, I always be the one who asked her "who's coming?"
but as if Allah moves her heart to tell me

"why you telling me?when I'm the one who always asked you?"
"because you always excited when there's a guest coming"
"but after this all, this is the 1st time you telling me and it's a right person that I've been waiting for"

actually, the matters is between me and Allah
all this time I've been asking Allah
"what do you want?"
"what's hikmah/positivity behind this all?/"
"if it's positive thing and I can learn from this, why it's hurting me?"
"I feel like I'm a victim here"
"I know I'll pass this all with ease"
"in the end everything's gonna be okay"
"I'm tired"
"I've been following my heart and hope I'll let it flow, but why it's still hurt?"

the day I met him is right where I put all myself to Allah
what's wrong with this?

I need the strongest mentally to put in myself and go through all this
I can't be patience to go to the next step
where I hope there'll be so much more happiness, success
the day where I can totally forget about him
why I can't give my feeling towards someone near me that already loves me?
just because of an approval from my parents?

i'm tired.....

last year of 2015, you give me pain until now
how long will I endure this?
I'm sorry Allah, I can't be patience...
I know the answer without asking

in the end, my world is all about You (Allah) and me
and so does others

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